yesterday, i turned in the worst paper i have written in my life to the oldest and probably most widely known professor in the department and my 9 seminar classmates. in this seminar, there is no revision, after my presentation next week, this is it.
it was bad. bad. bad. period.
i don't know what's wrong with me. i have been working on the ideas for it for months. i had the film going in a continuous loop while i wrote. have tons of books out of the library. have pages and pages of notes and diagrams. But in the end, i couldn't figure out an argument to make, i decided (too late) that if i started writing maybe i'd figure out, but i never did. i just started too late. I didn't end up plugging in the research or much of the analysis. The writing itself, on the sentence level, is bad because i had no time to reread and polish. And you may ask if there is no research and there is no analysis and no clean writing, what is there?
i thought maybe i had misjudged myself and reread the paper again last night. i haven't. it's bad.
so, after i handed in the paper, after an all nighter in which my classmate J. and i kept eachother miserable company via incoherent email (he was working on his paper for the seminar too), the prof. saw me in the department and he was like "So how do you feel about the paper." and i had to tell him. "i'm sorry. i've thought a lot about this, but in the end, i just couldn't organize my thoughts." Then, as i was talking to my other prof., he stopped in her office and said, "Can you believe this. C. thinks she just turned in a bad paper to me. Hahaha." The other professor laughs too, and all i can say is, "i hope you're right, but i'm afraid it's true this time."
i saw him in the dept. today, and he looked at me funny.
Oh, it's so horrible. i want to hide in shame. i promise any reader who tries to tell me it is not that bad. it is. usually, i at least have a lot of sources in my works cited section to show that i've done the work. this time it just didn't happen--on any level.
Oh, the humiliation.